How To Build A Website For Your Self-Absorbed Stepmom

A step-by-step guide, by a 19-year-old college dropout.

“Marlene is starting a business? That’s rich. Wasn’t she a singer… or a stripper?” — close family

Marlene, at her best. Photo by Julien L from Unsplash.

STEP 1: Collect Pictures

This will test your patience in unimaginable ways.

• Ask her for recent photos of herself.
• Explain to her why photos from 17 years ago, that have been poorly photoshopped by an unpaid intern from her previously failed “LLC” will not work.
• Insist she hires a professional photographer. Refer her to your friend, Robbie, an experimental artist with rage issues, who’s looking to build his portfolio.
• Wait a year while she picks from the new photos. Her fear of “accurately representing her energy ” will consume her — day and night.

STEP 2: “Perfect” Domain

• Choose a template from wix.com and buy her a domain. Even though she has yet to decide if she’s running a dog grooming business or making another country album.
• Buy a domain anyway. This is crucial. Use her maiden name + the name of the restaurant where your dad proposed + how much the meal cost.

This will really get her juices flowing.

Example: MarleneDottsonWaterfrontSeaGrill1k.com

STEP 3: Redo / Edit

• Pick a backup template. She’ll reject the first option out of spite. Go with a simple template — you will need to crop hundreds of people out of photos as she creates new enemies on her path to world domination.
• Do NOT budge on the domain name. Insist it is vital to her business. Do not explain it further, that part will come later.

If she continues to insist on another domain name, simply ignore her.

STEP 4: Testimonials, The Fun Part

• Call her friends and family for “reviews of Marlene”, she’ll need them for whatever business she’s trying to claw her way to the top of.
• Ask distant and estranged relatives, as they tend to provide honest and forthcoming reviews. To save yourself time, don’t edit the answers just record the calls and transcribe them.

Example: “ Hmm…I’m not a fan of hers— Mark! Turn that damn alarm off! Ok, sorry about that. Um, where were we? Oh, Marlene (laughter) she’s a dumpster fire, honey. ” — Heidi, sister

STEP 5: Quick Review

• Send her a view-only draft of the unpublished site to look over.
• Ask her to keep her notes “functional”. Wait at least 4 days to reply to any of her “quick questions” and reply only with one or two words answers like:

Marlene: Quick question, size of my head next to “click here”?

You: I’m good.

STEP 6: Dinner with Dad

• At this point, your father may become involved. Go ahead and accept his invitation to dinner to “sort this whole thing out”.
• Invite Marlene. Make a reservation at The Waterfront Grill and tell your dad you’d like to surprise him. Do whatever you must to get them both there.
• Rent out the entire restaurant and make your own decorations.
• When your dad and Marlene arrive, have the host greet them with glasses of champagne. Remind them that this is the place they got engaged. You’re classy after all.
• Wait an awkward amount of time. Then drop a handmade banner. It should say:

“LAUNCH OF MARLEENDOTTONWATERFRONTGRILL1K.COM!”

• Ask the Maître d' to set up the projector you ordered from Amazon. Now you can screen share Marlene’s new site with your dad and the entire restaurant staff.
• Don’t worry if there are tears — this is normal. She’s just happy.
• Request shrimp cocktail “on the side” with everything you order. YOU EARNED IT.
• Your dad may look confused when the bill comes and ask “how did they have my credit card on file” explain it’s the same card he used for your rehab so you have it memorized.

If your dad shakes his head and claims to be “very disappointed” assure him that the reviews are 100% authentic.

Step 7: Set Boundaries

• Look your stepmom dead in the eyes and tell her: “I love you, in my own way, and I hope that’s good enough” and give her a grain of rice with the login info written on it. Hand that sucker off. It’s in her meaty hands now.
• Good work, man.

*No one was hurt during the making of this article. (Well, no one that counts.)

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