To: Katie Livingston.
7:05 AM.
Subject: Treasure For Two $
Hi ya neighbor,
My birth name is Lewis Gem Carter and my grandmother, Holly Carter, is resting peacefully next to your grandfather Karl Livingston. What are the chances! I’d love to swap stories about my Holly and your Karl.
Was he a loyal husband? Did he take his coffee black or with thick cream? Are they lovers underground? I’ve had vivid, nasty dreams of a muddy fornication that brought tears to my eyes. Please don’t share that. Allow me to explain myself. My interest in your grandpapa is not mere sentimental curiosity — to be blunt, there is a fortune to be gained.
Katie, brace yourself. I’m a spiritual medium/ private investigator. I’m half man, half True Detective. Blessed with the sight, I’ve had visions of thousand of dollars in CASH, buried between Holly and Karl, who are selfishly hoarding it for themselves — in between themselves. Dead folks are self-absorbed and heartless.
Kindly see my official invitation below. I spent the weekend formatting a stunning E-Vite with a handsome unicorn but my 16 year old cat spilled water on my lap causing me to have a panic attack and delete it.
Sincerely and forever yours,
Lou
Ps: Bring a baby shovel and a piece of thinly sliced kosher ham, for the spirits. Ghosts love ham, real ham not ham related products. Don’t except to see the ham eaten, it’s the smell they like.
E-vite Contents: The Heist (pictures not included, please use imagination).
What: Grave Dig To Recover Stolen Funds
When: 3:00 a.m. dead of night, June 1st, 2019
Where: Oakwood Cemetery, Plots #304 and #305
Dress Code: Amish attire, to throw off the authorities
HEADS UP: This is the middle aged male dog with a flawed personality that roams the cemetery — he’s trouble. I have a deep fear of dogs that I’m working to overcome with Thearpist Dr. Holden. (I can refer you as he’s not currently taking new patients). I know he is male because he has not yet been castrated and burps loudly.
Description of “Buddy”
- cold shark eyes
- teeth like my uncle Jerry P. Swagger (please Google him)
- adorable paws
To: Lewis Carter
1:15 PM.
Subject: Decline. Where is our money?
Hello Lewis,
I don’t want to offend you but this is highly inappropriate. We’ve met. Last July at the Livingston family reunion — you showed up in a Dracula costume claiming we had all “sucked the life out of you”.
Then you attempted to bite the neck of an ice sculpture shaped like an angel…well you know the rest. We dropped the lawsuit in agreement that you would seek professional help and reimburse us for damages. It was $750 just to clean the blood off the dance floor. Please do not contact me again unless you have payment. Glad to hear that you are getting the help you need.
-Katie L.
To: Katie Livingston
1:31 PM
Subject: How Dare You.
Kathrine. That summer my soul shattered like my teeth when I bit into that ice angel. Who knew an angel could be made of ice! False advertising?
Please re-read my previous email — it offers the solution! You’re looking for cold hard cash (unjustly so) and I know where said cash is buried. Win-win. I’ll go ahead and confirm your attendance.
Looking very much forward,
Lou
To: Katie Livingston
2:41 AM.
Subject: Fashionably Early
Good news, Katie! Coast is clear! Buddy was taken care of by “animal control” and the moon shines full and bright for our dig.
To: Katie Livingston
3:11 AM.
Subject: Katie????
KATIE! I’m writing to you in a panic from my iPhone 4 3G where R You? Are U at plot 350??? It’s plot 305 IDIOT. Sorry! Stressed I didn’t bring any spare ham. Ate what I had.
Sent from my iPhone
To: Katie Livingston
3:24 AM
Subject: HELP//
Here’s A selfie to illustrate how scared/ disappointed I am. Wearing a bathrobe in case the authorities find me. I’ll tell theM I was sleepwalking….!
(Problem loading image).
To: Katie Livingston
3:29 AM
Subject: SIRENS COMING CLOSER
KATIE DID YOU CALL THE POLICE?? IM COVERED IN DIRT AND HAM!!
Sent from my iPhone
To: Katie Livingston
5:27 AM
Subject: Found.
I climbed a tree. Waiting out the hounds now with cash in hand.
Sent from my iPhone
To: Katie Livingston.
5:47 AM
Subject: F*ck You Katie
Traitor. Confirming that Katie Livingston is NOT interested in half of $110,000 followed by a candlelight dinner for two. Goodbye sweet, tragic Katie. Expect a Fed-x of ham shaped like flowers.
P.S. Please don’t forward these emails to Dr. Holden, I cherish him.
Sent from my iPhone
